Cannot Keep You

I was recently introduced to this song "Cannot Keep You" by Michael Gungor and immediately felt very convicted by it. The song is speaking on how we as Christians cannot keep God within our little confines and within our walls that we have boxed him in with, secluded from the rest of the world. We cannot keep God in our Church, in our homes, and in our little communities. And when I say Church I mean your local chapel because I think Church is so much more than a building and a Sunday morning destination. Church can be anywhere it has to be whether that is in a Chapel or in the streets among the homeless. I believe that is what Michael Gungor is saying; that we cannot and should not keep God in the safe places set out for us. He should be found in the highest office of the tallest skyscraper to the lowest and dumpiest part of the city. One of the lines in the song is "so we will find you in the streets and we will find you in the prisons". We should be able to find God in every nook and cranny of the world; in our ever day world among our workplace and in the undesired places that people fear. His lyrics are telling us that we have this secret that we share among ourselves, but should be shouted from the rooftops and expressed in our entire being. Before this song I had been feeling this push towards the idea of inner-city ministry and helping those in need within our country both physically and spiritually. Hearing this song has made that push even stronger and I hope it continues to get stronger until it is a reality so all of this is not just talk because I will be the first to admit my fault in not expressing my faith in the capacity that I should. When you meet me you should know there is something different about me than everyone else and unfortunately that is not the case, but I pray one day it shall be.

A Silver Lining

I just watched Silver Linings Playbook. As I was watching it reminded me of the song Unwell by Matchbox Twenty. The song is about how he is a little crazy; how everyone is a little nuts. I find that really relates to this movie because it is about two people who, to the rest of the world, are completely crazy and need medical help (which they recieve). However, you learn that though they are the only ones that are medically diagnosed as crazy, everyone in their lives are just as bonkers, if not more. In Pat's life, his father is obsessed with the Philadelphia Eagles and has an unhealthy superstition about the team and his son as their luck charm. His brother has insecurities about every aspect of his life and seems more unstable than his formally institutionalized brother. His best friend has a horrible marriage that only survives from the advise of Pat himself who beat the crap out his wife's lover. And his best friends wife is controlling, manipulative, full of hatred and self-loathing that she projects onto her little sister, Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence). It goes to show that though not everyone is daily medicating to keep the crazy down doesn't mean we all don't sometimes belong in the looney bin.
What I love most about this movie is that it is an alternative romantic comedy, but has a typical love story ending. It is weird which makes it so amazing. Nowadays it seems that every romantic movie or movie about love that wants to be considered as a "good" film has to have some sort of depressing ending. Don't get me wrong I love the not-so-normal ending to a typical love story just as much as the next guy, but for a movie like this you would expect the ending to be strange and out of the ordinary like the rest of the film. Instead it did exactly the opposite and had an incredibly normal and happy ending which made it extraordinary. Any other possibility would have changed the whole dynamic of the film because it shows that the fact that they are real people is what makes their love so true.
Their dance at the end of the movie explains their love story in the matter of several minutes: it's weird and unorthodox, it looks strange and makes other people uncomfortable, its funky and not what the world says that it should be, while at the same time it is beautiful and utterly pure.

Skinny Dipping

     Her profile read: “Looking for someone that will make me smile. Someone to ask me how my day was and want to know the answer. Someone to lay with and not have to say a word. Someone who will bring me flowers for no apparent reason even though it’s a completely lame and cheesy thing to do. I want someone to not feel like when we go out to eat they have to order something sophisticated. I want you to order a burger and a coke and not be embarrassed when I get the same thing. I want someone to go on adventures with; even if that means skinny dipping in the neighbours pool at midnight. I want someone who wants a full life and doesn't want it alone.”
     I was scrolling through the different profiles simply out of curiosity when I came across hers. I was enthralled by her dreams and the way she wanted to go through life. It was like reading a mirror for my thoughts. I wanted to the guy to do all of those things with her. I had never had any desire to go skinny dipping, let alone in someone else’s pool and suddenly my desire to do that outranked anything I had wanted to do. I think what attracted me most to her was that she didn't have a need to go see the world. She wanted to experience and enjoy the life that already surrounded her. She didn't want to just escape; she wanted make it so she enjoyed her life so much she didn't have to escape it.
     My wife and I had lost the excitement and adventure in our life; we could both feel our marriage fizzling out, but I never thought of cheating on her or being unfaithful in anyway. I told myself that scrolling through the different profiles was harmless. I never thought that I would actually find a woman that I would want to get to know. It was the first time in my marriage that I thought that my wife might not be “the one”. The guilt only started to set in when I sent her a message: “Hi, my name is Martin”, I had planned to use my real name, but knowing the outcome now I am glad that I didn't, “I read your profile and was immediately intrigued. I’m scared to say that I want all the things you want because that sounds so cliché, but I will say that I want that life. I want to be the one to come home to you and ask you about your day and want with everything in me to know the answer, I want to see that smile on your face when I hand you flowers on a random Tuesday and then take you out for burgers and cokes and enjoy your company as well as my meal. I want to go for Sunday afternoon drives with you where we have no destination and take in the adventures that come along the way. And I want more than anything in the world to go skinny dipping with you at midnight in the neighbours pool! I want that full life and I certainly don’t want it alone.”
     We started to email each other and that was when I started to feel like I was cheating on my wife. Part of me wanted to tell her the whole thing, but another part of me knew that her emails were the best part of my day. I had no idea what she looked like; she described herself to me, but I her humble, “5,6 and bruenette”, description was less than detailed. I wanted to meet her in person, but I knew that when I met her I would fall head-over-heels and then it would be real. I am not a cheater, that wasn't the kind of person that I was, but when she asked to meet me I couldn't help myself.
     On the day I was to meet her I was so nervous. It was the same nerves that I felt on my wedding day: scared, terrified, ecstatic, and excited all at the same time. I made a point to meet with her at a café on the other side of town to guarantee we wouldn't run into my wife, it was on the other side of town for her too, but she didn't seem to mind. She told me to look for the girl in a red sundress. Thinking about that dress really made me smile. As I got closer to the café I began getting extremely nervous to the point of sickness. I parked the car and just sat there for a while. I started to walk towards the café and my conscience got the best of me, I couldn't cheat on my wife. I stood in front of the café and was about to turn around when I saw the red sundress. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, she almost looked as beautiful as she did on our wedding day. My wife and I made eye contact. I knew from the dress, but it took her a few seconds to realize I was the guy she had been e-mailing. In that moment I had never been so in love with my wife. I stood outside that café and smiled at her, she sat there in gave me that smile that I had shamefully forgotten. That night we skinny dipped in our neighbour’s pool!

The Strange Man In Subway

I was in line at a Subway the other day and at the front of the line was a man who immediately to me and clearly to everyone else seemed strange. He was quite loud when he spoke which was quite often. He was telling the Subway employees, people he had just met, personal information about himself and sharing about his weekend. He went to a boat show in Toronto and saw some fairly expensive boats. He pulled his phone out and showed a picture of a boat worth several million dollars to one of the employees. The whole time he was there he wouldn't stop talking and he was in no rush to leave. As I was leaving I thought to myself, "What a strange dude". I got into my car and I turned it on, but I didn't take it out of park yet, I had another thought to myself and it was disgust...for myself. I was calling this man strange because he was kind and open. I replayed what I had just witnessed back over in my head. He was making conversation with these employees. They were smiling and responding back to him with as much enthusiasm as him, so they weren't annoyed by his presence. He was never rude, not once. In fact he seemed like an extremely kind person. He had what seemed like a girlfriend with him, so hes clearly doing something better than me. He didn't bother or annoy anyone. I thought back and realized I wasn't annoyed either, in fact I was interested in how a boat could be worth so much. He was in no rush because he was enjoying himself and just taking his time; I had no place to be. And most importantly he made those employees smile; he made conversation with them, he didn't see them as just the people making his sand which, he saw them as people. I was disgusted with myself because I immediately thought that this guy was strange because he was kind. Unfortunately that's normal in our world. It should be that I was strange one for not acting the way he did. It made me think about social conventions and how its good to be a nice and open person as long as it doesn't make people too uncomfortable. Respect that people have places to be and just let them get on with their day. That's bull s***. Whats life if not a good conversation with a complete stranger. I would like to be a little more strange.

The Old Man

          There once was a young man--many years ago. He was a good man, but he always felt that he had to prove himself because his family was a lower class. This made the man greedy. He was always trying become higher in his status and never stopped to enjoy life. One day he was travelling in the back of a farmers wagon in search of some way to find his desired wealth. The farmer stopped on the side of the road to pick up another stranger. The stranger was an old man, he got into the wagon and sat beside the young man. The two of them got to talking and the young man had told the old man his plan to become a rich and powerful man. The old man laughed and told the him that there was more to life than wealth and power, there is love and family. The young man dismissed this proclaiming that he would do whatever it took to not be poor, to not be like his father was. The old man got really serious and said that he could help him if that is what he really wanted. The young man told him that it really was. The old man snapped his fingers. He knelt down and picked up a nail from the floor of the wagon and immediately plunged it into the neck of the young man. The young man screamed in pain and pulled the nail out. The blood pouring out out of his neck quickly stopped and the stab wound healed within minutes. The old man smiled and told him that he had granted him everlasting life. He told him that he will never die, will never get injured or sick again. The young man in shock asked him how this would help him achieve his goal. The old man told him that he will never age; he has all the time in the world to become rich and powerful. The old man told him that the only way that he will be able to die is if he passes his gift on to someone else. But it can only be to someone with the same desires and greed like himself. The young man immediately took advantage of his new gift and did whatever it took to gain wealth. The old man passed away as soon as the young man left the wagon.
         Many years later, after becoming rich and powerful he met a young woman and he fell in love. . For a while he was able to enjoy his family; his wife and his three daughters. However, his overpowering greed eventually came back and could no longer resist his need to go back to his old ways. He wasn't content with his simple life. He dismissed his family and fell away from them. His wealth, however, grew more and more. After years of his growing status and wealth, his distanced family was in their home waiting for him to come back from one of his many meetings when a fire started in the kitchen on the main floor. It was late and all of the daughters were asleep. The mother smelled the smoke and saw the fire from upstairs. She tried to wake her children, but it was too late. They were all caught in the fire. The young man came home to find his entire family dead. The young man was ruined. All he wanted to do was die along with his wife and daughters. He would have if hadn't become unable to die. Every night he would place the gun to his temple and pull the trigger and every time he would get back up.
          Fast forward many more years. For a very long time the young man searched for someone to pass his curse on to. He thought it would be easy to find a young and greedy man, but every person he found had some piece of them that desired to truly enjoy their lives and because of this the curse could not be passed. He gave up on his search. He took to spending his days drinking and challenging himself to attempt to take home the prettiest girl in the bar. He usually won. He hated his life.
         One night at a pub, the man was sitting at the bar. He was an old man now. Not because of age, but because of life and the toll it had taken on his spirit. He saw a young man sitting near him with the same desire in his eyes that he once had many years prior. The old man sat closer to him. They began talking and the young told him his story. It was almost identical to the old mans. He wanted wealth and riches. The old man told him he could give him this if that was really what he wanted. The young man said he really wanted it. The old man was about to snap his fingers when he thought of how much he has hated his life; how miserable he has been. He saw now that the old man had cursed him, not blessed him. He thought of everything he had done in his life, never had he done something good for someone. He couldn't do it. The old man told the young man that he can't help him. He told him there was more to life than everything he desired. With that the young man left the pub as normal as he came in. The old man finally felt some sort of joy in his life. He picked up his drink and took a sip. He set the drink down and coughed. With that cough followed another. The bartender said to the old man, "you must have caught the flu that is going around".
The old man smiled.

Roadkill

I was driving home one night. It was in an area that was isolated from homes and because of that it was darker than most places. There was a good song on and I was singing along. Perhaps that is why I didn't notice when the cat jumped out in front of me. I slammed the brakes and tried to swerve. I went outside to check on the clearly wounded animal. It didn't look good. From the look of it I thought that it had died immediately from the crash, I heard the poor thing making some noises. I had trouble looking at the little cat. Not because of my weak stomach, but because of my guilt. The thought of hitting an animal and killing it with my car before was something that I would obviously avoid, but not something I feared because of emotional reasons. But as I knelt beside it my heart broke for this cat. I knew that it would not last for very much longer. It did not have any tags on it and there weren't any houses near by. I thought to myself that the kindest thing I could do for it would be to put it out of its misery. I grabbed a rock at first... what the heck am I going to do with a rock, smash it's head in? No way I could do that. I had no other way that I could end it quickly. I thought about driving away thinking that would be what most people would do in this situation. I couldn't do that either. I figured there wasn't much time left for the little guy anyway, so I sat down beside the cat and waited. As I sat beside this suffering cat I began to really think about what had happened and what was happening. I hit this cat and now it is going to die. This cat did nothing wrong. It does not deserve to die and certainly not like this. This situation, it made me think of evil in the world. I know the connection of a dying cat and evil is quite a stretch, but nonetheless, it felt evil. I began thinking of all the horrible things that happen in the world and how a lot of it just cant be explained. It is, the way it is. Life. Perhaps this cat represented the innocence of people. Their is no excuse for all the hatred that we inflict upon others. It is our innate way to sin. That is our innocence; we cannot control the fact that we screw up and will continue to. I'm not really sure what this all means. Maybe this moment was meant to be so that I would recognize the error of our ways in this world. Or perhaps the cat was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I don't even like cats. 

(P.S. I didn't actually hit a cat.)

Christ Figure

 It was a Friday night. I was walking to the bus stop. There were people all over the sidewalks and flowing out of bars and clubs, but I noticed one particular man in an alley. He was completely alone and isolated from his busy surroundings. I was drawn to this man. I could feel his loneliness and despair. My heart broke when I saw that he was in the middle of shooting himself up with what looked like heroin. I just stood there and watched until it was over. I wanted to do something, but I just stood there and watched the life drain from his eyes. The mans body went limp, but the needle, stuck in his arm, continued to hang there. I was in shock. I had lived a pretty uneventful life compared to that until then. I never knew anyone who did hard drugs like that so I had no idea what to do.

"Hey man, are you alright?", there was no response.

I walked over and knelt beside his body. I started to panic because I thought he might be dead. That made me want to cry. I had never felt the urge to cry more in my life and it was for a man I never even knew. I hesitantly felt his neck for a pulse. Thankfully he was still alive, but he was not in good shape. His arms and face were covered in scars and sores and who knew what kind of diseases he had. Something came over me, I felt so much empathy for this man. It was a feeling that I had never felt before. With tears falling down my face I prayed. I had never prayed before in my life, never even thought about praying. But without even thinking about it that's what I did. I prayed that I could help this man, that I could take his pain away. With my eyes closed and my arms wrapped around this man I prayed. Without opening my eyes I knew what had happened. The second I looked at this man and saw that he no longer had scars and sores covering his face and body, his face no longer pale, but healthy, meat on his bones, I had no regret. I went home. I didn't know what I felt. It was a feeling of amazement and pleasure, but I was in pain. I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror; my face and body were now covered in the scars and sores that recently covered the man in the alley's face and body. My skin was now pale, my bones and ribs visible through my skin, I was weak and helpless. I prayed with all of my heart to a God I didn't know I believed in that he would take away this mans pain. I prayed that I would take his place and take on his pain and restore his health. It was an odd feeling. I had never felt so much pain and suffering in my life while at the same time feeling an amount of joy that cannot be described in words, or at least words I would never use to describe a feeling; glorious, forgiven, sacrifice, unconditional, hallelujah....